WHEN it comes to getting in touch with human feelings, the vicar who this week slammed funerals featuring modern songs ought to take a lesson from those arch-predators of the ornithological world, the magpies.

In other circumstances I would have some sympathy with Father Ed Tomlinson who believes that many relatives are simply “using” the clergy to conduct funerals without any regard for religion.

Writing on his Internet blog — yes, even vicars are twittering and blogging their opinions nowadays — he laments the decline of Christian farewells. Instead of being despatched with an inspiring hymn, relatives are more likely to ask for Tina Turner and Whitney Houston and send their loved ones on their final journey to the strains of My Way.

Recent studies by undertakers have shown that contemporary music is almost as likely to be chosen as hymns at funerals. The top 10 popular funeral songs include syrupy songs like Wind Beneath My Wings and Angels.

I suspect this is a generational thing. Older people, including those who rarely go to church, still cling on to the vestiges of a Christian education. Praise My Soul the King of Heaven offers infinitely greater succour than something by Gerry and the Pacemakers. I guess it was planted deep within us from school days and assemblies which invariably began with a well-known hymn.

Father Tomlinson has a point, albeit one well concealed in his self-serving tirade which seems to be more concerned with his hurt feelings than about the emotions of those who have lost friends and relatives.

There was a time when many vicars refused to conduct marriage ceremonies for couples who were not regular churchgoers. It was a failed dogma that drove people even further away from the Church.

What this vicar fails to grasp is that the Church has a role as comforter, even to non-believers and lapsed Christians. They are not coming to church to witness him putting on a show of religious piety, but to celebrate a loved one’s life.

What’s so wrong about a poem by grandma or a popular song? It’s not my idea of a good send-off, but if it makes people feel better then let them get on with it. This vicar paints a hopeless picture of people “being popped into the oven with no hope of resurrection” rather like the Christmas turkey. This assuredly is not the way to bring prodigals back to God.

I certainly don’t want a happy-clappy job when it’s my turn in the wooden box. Admittedly I don’t see much of the insides of churches these days, except when it’s attending funerals, of course, but I still hope for a couple of decent traditional tunes taken from the hymn book.

And while a miffed vicar chucks his toys out of the lectern because people are turning away from his church and having secular funerals, here we have a story about the tender side of magpies.

The magpie might have a penchant for theft and eating its own chicks, but an animal expert in the United States says it is hot on funerals for fallen friends. Magpies have been seen lining up to pay tribute to the dead and leaving bits of grass beside the body as “wreaths”.

There’s long been a debate about whether animals and birds have emotions. Dr. Marc Bekoff believes his encounter with the magpies is proof of a “moral intelligence”. Can it really be true that the birds know more about how to do a good funeral than certain members of the clergy? Just who are the bird brains here?

EARLY LEARNING THE WRITE MOVE

THIS idea that, at a time when standards of literacy are so poor, kids should not begin formal education until they are aged six, doesn’t hold water.

A fifth of all boys can’t write their own name a year after starting school. All too often teachers are asked to pick up the pieces of early years bereft of parental interest. Whether it’s because parents are too busy, or simply can’t be bothered, young children are not getting the attention at home they deserve.

Those early years are formative. My parents were great readers and they encouraged me to read as a child. Sadly the traditional family concept has fallen by the wayside in many homes.

So-called experts now say there’s too much formal education for the under-fives. Well, children are never too young to learn the basics of reading, writing and adding up.

Everywhere you look you see examples of shoddy spelling and hopeless punctuation, even from people in high powered jobs and, dare one admit it, the media. There seems to be this idea that, as long as people have some idea what is meant, it doesn’t matter too much about the grammar and spelling.

The lesson is that we need more education, not a further year’s delay in starting it.

CONSIDERABLY POORER THAN YOW!

DO I want a bespoke lifestyle management team bringing me a range of special services tailored to my needs, VIP access to airport lounges, access to a “Premier Relationship Team” … oh, and the chance to borrow more money to prove I am considerably richer than yow?

It gets my goat when banks, insurance companies and other finance houses send out all this junk that preys on people’s vanity and suggests that they are running a two-tier system of service.

This latest invitation to a “Premier Life” comes from my bank. As it happens they have given me a perfectly good service recently. So why would I need all these lifestyle extras? And anyway, I don’t even qualify because I don’t earn enough or have sufficient savings.

Offers of platinum cards and gold standard service leave me cold — and just a bit angry that there’s some subliminal suggestion of financial snobbery at work. That and the hint of a second class service for second class punters.

IDIOTIC, BUT NOT EVIL

STUDENT Phil Laing was pictured urinating on a war memorial after a boozy night out. Crass stupidity, yes, but I think it’s unfair to turn him into a target of national vilification.

There have been calls for his university to throw him out on his ear and for the courts to dish out a draconian sentence wholly out of keeping with the offence when you consider what thieves and violent criminals get away with.

People are outraged at a time when public sympathy with the armed forces has never been stronger. But we must keep a sense of perspective. He has apologised unreservedly. He has been disrespectful and idiotic, but mass murderers and paedophiles have escaped with less opprobrium than this silly youth.

We are coming up to the time of year when we remember those who sacrificed their lives in the service of their country. If people really care then they will stop creating an evil monster out of a dim-witted student and buy their poppies and get along to services and events commemorating the fallen.

Come to think of it, the best community service for Master Laing would be to spend a few days selling poppies on the street and helping with the clean up of war memorials that have suffered the ravages of time.