USAIN Bolt might think his 9.58 seconds for the 100 metres is a world record of some substance.

However, I can reveal that I once produced a faster time in a tussocky, muddy field, not on some carefully prepared athletics track.

If you have ever been chased by a herd of angry cows you will know that the human body is capable of summoning up erstwhile unknown reserves of strength and speed.

My experience came when I was out for an evening jog with a friend and her collie dog. In order to cross a field, and avoid a lengthy road detour, we had to bypass a group of mean, moody cattle.

What we didn’t notice, until half way across the field, was that they were guarding young beasts. Suddenly we could feel hot breath on our collars. We could hear the heavy tread of hooves just a few feet behind us.

“Run. It’s every man and dog for himself,” I yelled. Somehow, given that mighty adrenalin surge fear creates, we made it to the other side of the field and leapt the fence with the dramatic uplift of world class high jumpers.

Some walkers, who have found themselves sharing fields with cattle, have not been so lucky. A woman, out walking near Greystoke, suffered severe injuries when she was trampled by cows. She was awarded £250,000 compensation.

It’s a tricky subject. I recall telling my near death story to a countryman who had no sympathy whatsoever. “You should not have been there,” he said. “Farmers have enough problems without you joggers and ramblers.”

Once nearly bitten twice shy. I would certainly give the utmost respect to cattle in future. I have some understanding of the farmers’ position. We live in the countryside and fields equal livestock. Short of removing all animals from fields where there are footpaths, there’s always the potential for unhappy conflict.

However, one personal injury lawyer in Cumbria has warned the door could be opening to more compensation claims. “This is a field in which the law is muddy,” said Carol Fish, who I am sure wasn’t trying to be funny.

Last year a walker in North Yorkshire was killed when trampled by cattle. It would be wrong to say cases are ten a penny, but neither are they unusual.

This is a situation that needs addressing by farmers’ representatives and lawyers before we have more attacks and more compensation cases.

Due to the ludicrous constraints of health and safety, farmers are reluctant to put up warning notices in case it implies culpability. In the past it seemed the onus was on the walker to check for safe passage. Now it appears farmers are being held responsible.

This is driving a further wedge between farmers and walkers, each feeling resentment at the other’s point of view. Most important of all is the need to avoid incidents leading to serious injury. There’s got to be some spirit of compromise and better public eduation, otherwise more people are going to get hurt and, as the lawyer herself says, there could be a “stampede” of compo. claims just round the corner.

NEW BALLS PLEASE!

ARE you sitting comfortably in front of the television, strawberries and cream and a glass of Pimms to hand?

It’s Wimbledon time again and what has got to be the naffest sporting event of the year. Wimbledon must be the only event where players have to drag their mothers along for support — together with a retinue of physiotherapists, sports psychologists, boy and girlfriends as appropriate, brooding Mediterranean-looking coaches in dark glasses and numerous other hangers-on.

There’s something about tennis that gives me the creeps. Yes, the Federers and Nadals of this world are wonderful athletes. But why the necessity for so many camp followers? And why do they have to indulge the world’s most annoying idiot, the one who always has to shout out the last word just as one of the players is about to serve? A forehand drive right in the mouth would do this generic fool no harm at all.

One newspaper reported this week that Cumbria’s very own Blue Peter babe — its words not mine — Helen Skelton was proving the biggest attraction for autograph hunters at this year’s Wimbledon. Helen has been at the tournament doing a daily podcast and her exploits, including a 78-mile Namibia Ultra-Marathon and kayaking the River Amazon for Sport Relief, have obviously struck a chord with young tennis fans.

“I love working at Wimbledon, but playing tennis isn’t my greatest strength,” said the action girl. You wanna bet that Helen, with a few months’ practice, couldn’t see off some of our more lamentable British specimens?

“Oh, I say,” as one-time commentary legend Dan Maskell might have exclaimed.

LIBERAL TENDENCIES

YOU thought the last lot were bad, but already there are promising signs that our glorious new coalition is going to provide plentiful fodder for newspaper columnists in the coming months.

Only a Liberal would leave his wife of many years for a middle-aged Hayley Cropper lookalike whose last partnership was with another woman. That’s not the issue. The point is that Chris Huhne espoused family values only weeks ago during the election campaign.

David — call me Dave — Cameron is also showing Blair-like tendencies to cosy up to celebrities. He had a bunch of gay celebs round for tea and crumpets at No. 10 last week to emphasise his equality credentials.

Then this week came the news that Cameron had signed up a management guru who once told a group of retailers to imagine themselves part of a stir fry. Shades of Cherie Blair’s mentor Carol Caplan.

One had seen signs of an end to political correctness and health and safety rubbish, but it just goes to show politicians are all the same under the skin. Except that the Liberals are more imaginative in the trouser dropping department.

FOOTBALL FANS PAY THE PELANTY

I DO so hope that British surgeons are practising removal techniques from dark orifices even as I write this. Their skills may be called upon if, as is being suggested, the vuvuzela becomes a feature of British football stands next season.

This discordant pain in the World Cups is excused as being an integral part of African culture. Nonsense. A South African told Five Live that it’s a relatively new phenomenon and nothing at all to do with historical culture. If that’s South Africa’s cultural best then I’m Fabio Capello.

If the vuvuzela appears at Brunton Park, or indeed Frenchfield Park for that matter, I suspect its owner may find walking home after the match rather painful.

Mind you, the constant droning noise of the vuvuzela has at times seemed preferable to the constant droning of the TV and radio pundits we’ve despatched out there.

Much ado about nothing sums up most of them. Experts only at one thing — stating the blooming obvious. And could someone please teach Chris Waddle to say “penalty” and not “pelanty.” He should know. He’s got previous from the penalty spot after all.

REWRITING HISTORY

EXPONENTS of political correctness don’t mind rewriting history if it suits their cause.

One bunch of PC fanatics removed Sir Winston Churchill’s cigar from his image in a London museum. Filthy habit, can’t have that dreadful chap smoking in here, even if he did win the war.

By that yardstick, Cumbria Tourism had better prepare for the worst. Maybe we ought to tell visitors interested in the history of our region that the Vikings were just after bed and breakfast for a few nights and the? Border Reivers were animal lovers sent by the RSPCA.

And what about the Lake poets? Not a single drop of opium ever passed their lips. No, they wrote all their best stuff on nothing stronger than a hot Ribena before bedtime.